1. It’s lazy. Instead of coming with their own characters, fan-ficcers piggyback on an actual writer’s hard work in the hopes of *poof* instant recognition. Popular media + buttsex = internet famous?

2. Their tendencies to rewrite endings of books/movies/etc that they don’t like because it doesn’t fit within their very narrow worldview of what ‘should’ happen, and then have the audacity to call it FIXING the ending. Because, of course, they know better than the original writer how things should end. I didn’t like the end of The Dark Tower. Yet somehow I’ve managed to refrain from writing an alternate ending that involves Roland and the Crimson King buttsexing each other at the top of the Tower to fix the Beams with sexy man-goo while Oy and Susanah ride Mordred up the side to peek in through the window and Jake and Eddie pop out of two separate trans-dimensional roses in the fields of Can Ka No Rey shouting “FOOLED YOU! We’re not dead! Buttsex please!” and then emailing my abomination to Stephen King saying “See? This is what SHOULD have happened. You’re wrong. I’m awesome.”

3. The smug better-writer-than-thou attitudes of most fan-ficcers, especially regarding story or character cliches. Because, as everyone knows, it’s impossible for a Serious Writer to purposefully design their character to be a specific archetype to serve the story they’re writing. INCONCEIVABLE.

4. The tendency to combine disdain for what they consider to be cliches with a misguided sense of feminism which gives you gems like “when someone who was supposed to be New and Different and Egalitarian just gave you – yet another feeble female who gets killed off to motivate the Hero”. It comes off obnoxious and shrewish. Yes, it’s nice to have strong female leads in stories, movies, and tv. But it’s not appropriate to the story 100% of the time or it would be just as unrealistic as a strong male heroic lead 100% of the time. Art, on some level, imitates life–how many superheroes and amazonian women do you see running around? There needs to be a balance–weak men and women, shy men and women, self-serving men and women, etc. To point every time you see a weak female character and cry foul is tantamount to insisting that you’ve never in your life met a real woman who needed saving or was anything less than sure of herself at any point. For a group that is so demanding of ‘realism’, buttsex and delusions of grandeur aside, you need to be willing to accept a little realism in that not everyone is destined to be a hero.

5. The buttsex. This is not in any way coming from a place of homophobia, I just think that it’s ridiculous and laughable to write scenarios where every male character clearly has a thing for every other male character, and even if they’re enemies, it’s because they hate that they feel such burning passion for one another or some shit like that. For being so anti-cliche, they serve up an over-your-daily-reccommended-serving-size-according-to-the-USDA dollop of it with every dose of buttsex. Is the slash serving the fanfic, or is the point of the fanfic the slash? It’s almost always number two, and both you and I know what bodily function we associate with that number.

-Mellzah Dildarian